The hardest part of being a mother is actually being One.

My journey of being a Mother and Birth mother.

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JENNIFER'S STORY

Making the choice to put a child up for adoption is a very difficult and emotional decision to make.  The Webster’s Dictionary definition of adoption is to take a child from other parent(s) as one’s own child.  My personal definition of adoption is to give a child life.  There are multitudes of reasons as to why a birth mother decides to give her child life.  No one story is exact to another; however, the emotions that are felt are equal.  This is my story of the journey to give my son Anthony life.

I was married with a four year old son.  My marriage of five months came to an abrupt halt due to domestic violence.  I made the choice and left with a child.  He was three and a half years old and I was two months pregnant.  I was determined to fix this loss and damage that had just occurred.

It was about two weeks before the day I had my son Anthony that I reached out to a local pregnancy crisis center.  The crisis center then got in contact with an adoption agency.  When I met with the adoption agency, I was so uncertain about any decisions and totally mortified about adoption.  I pretended like the option of adoption didn’t exist.

Two weeks later I gave birth to a healthy little boy.  I brought my son home two days later.  In my soul I was determined to care for him and teach him.  I was going to simply be his mother.  My belief was that my love would conquer and heal all.

One day, nearly five weeks later, I had to come to a crucial realization.  I had a choice that had to be made.  I couldn’t avoid it any longer.  This choice was not for me, it was a choice of love for my children.  My oldest son, four years old at the time, has disabilities.  This made me take a hard long look as to what my boys would have to go through.  My oldest son’s behaviors are from a multitude of disabilities.  The majority of the time his behaviors are uncontrollable and the effect on a baby could and would be harmful.  Here I was, a single mother raising a disabled child and a newborn baby.  I was taking a huge risk of my oldest son seriously hurting the baby or even killing him unintentionally.  I would never be able to turn my back on them for one second.

I could never allow a child to be hurt, traumatized or neglected because I Love Them! My love can’t and never would heal nor protect either of my children from the inevitable path we would have to travel.  Yes of course, in the beginning, I believed that I was a “Superhero” and I could do it.  I would manage, is all I kept repeating to myself.  I did do it for those five weeks, however I never did manage!  I watched my oldest son punch my then three week old baby in the head.  I wasn’t managing anything and my love for them certainly didn’t save nor protect them-it couldn’t even protect me!

After debating with myself for the whole day, I finally found a business card for the adoption agency.  I had thrown out all the agencies information the day I left the hospital with my two sons.  I met with the agency that same evening to further discuss my decisions.

There are always crossroads in life and there I was at one of mine.  No matter how much I knew and felt the decision was right for my boys; I still questioned if it was right for me.  I went back and forth with myself.  I didn’t find any peace for myself with this decision.  Emotions plowed through me when I was signing the paperwork.  Near the end were the relinquishment papers.  I had to sign a piece of paper stating that I would no longer be the “mother” of this child that I had cared for and breastfed for those 5 weeks.  I realized that I still felt like his “mother” and did not love him any less.  I loved him selflessly because I gave him the ultimate gift I could as his mother- The Gift of Life.

Some of a mother’s duties include: love compassion, making the best decisions on behalf of them and of course sacrifice.  By far, this was the hardest sacrifice I had to make as a mother; however, this sacrifice is the most rewarding.  Rewarding? You may wonder how it could have ever been rewarding.  Well, I get scheduled updates, pictures, live videos and letters documenting how he is growing and learning.  The growth, the love and safety is what I see and get from those correspondences.  The son that does reside with me gets more and more stable each day.  The outcome of both their lives would never be where it is now if I allowed my love to have bars and contingencies.  Because of love, my boys have a chance that never would have occurred solely with me.

Anthony is talked about in our lives daily and his pictures are hung up around the house.  We even have a picture of the adoptive parents with him hanging in the living room.  He has not been forgotten or locked up tight in a dark place.  My oldest son and I embrace Anthony as if he still lives with us today.  He is my son and he is a brother.  When I am asked how many children I have, I simply state I have two boys.  My oldest son lives with me and I gave my youngest son life through adoption.

One year later I still love Anthony as much as the day his life went down a different path than mine.  I would be lying if I said I have no more grief.  I just know in my soul that both my children have a safe chance in life and most importantly they are equally loved.

Information contained on this site is not intended to be legal advise.  We suggest calling an attorney to obtain legal counsel.